Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Confessions of Guilt from Dan Graves - Instalment #16

I manscape. Regularly. See, as part of my lineage, I have a hearty dose of Scotland coursing through my veins. As such, I have eyebrows that grow faster than your average grass. Unchecked, I'd look like something out of Dune, but with a uni-brow; and that's not good for anyone. I'm sure eyebrows of such magnitude have a evolutionary advantage of some form or another. It likely involves warding off beautiful women ninja assassins or something; but it's clearly mistaken as I've managed to land myself a beautiful woman and she hasn't made any attempts on my life (that I know of). I'm not a heavy forehead sweater...so that can't be it either. I squint a bit, and rumour has it I look angry whilst doing so - that could have something to do with it....

Yes - that must be it. I'm the exact opposite of Vin Diesel as "Riddick". I naturally possess the ability to operate in environments that are extremely well lit where most normal people would have to shield their eyes with their hands, leaving them relatively defenceless. I on the other hand have natural UV blockers allowing me to keep both hands free to dispatch assailants. Where he has the fancy wrap around goggles to operate in normally lit environments, I could simply have a sporty headband to keep my beasts at bay.

Brilliant - I must begin shopping the rights to the motion picture immediately.

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