Confessions of Guilt from Dan Graves - Instalment #19

I hate Tupperware.  Tupperware in my opinion is good for two things:

1.  Keeping the food you didn't eat contained long enough for you to throw it out at a more convenient time.

2.  Tupperware bombing your spouse.

I get Tupperware bombed all the time.  I even do it to myself.  Looking in that awful cupboard where you store it, you see no other alternative than to place that last piece in ever so precariously, then pray the weight of the door you've just slammed on it holds it in place.  Then, the next person to open the door doesn't just get one piece dropped out onto them...no.  See, Tupperware has a unique physical property typically reserved only for unstable radioactive isotopes where if it's compressed, no matter how stable the structure is, there's a point where everything just goes to hell.  You open a Tupperware cupboard and it's like you've asked an emotional menopausal woman with abandonment issues how her day went.  You then look up to the sky, and shaking your fist a la James T Kirk, you scream the name of he/she who set you up.

Then, naturally plotting your revenge, you cram it all back in, close the door and wait.  Tupperware is a vicious cycle - stop the madness.

Confessions of Guilt from Dan Graves - Instalment #18

I used to wake people up at night...a lot.  Well, I didn't, but their dogs did.  I was merely a catalyst.  See, when I was living in Japan, I was a young guy with lots of free time on his hands.  I went out a fair amount.  I often ended up coming home late, catching one of the last trains home if I was fortunate enough to make it in time.  Japanese houses are not the hermetically sealed giant Thermos boxes we live in here in North America.  No, while they are beautiful and ornate, walls are about as thick as wishful thinking and doors seem to amplify ambient sounds rather than muffle them.

So, did I shout?  Drag my feet aggressively?  Sing?  Kick things?  No...

I barked...quietly.

See - every house on the 3 minute walk from the train station to my apartment building seemed to have at least one dog.  And not giant slumbering laid back mutts either.  No, these were a series of small, yappy dogs, each more hi-strung than the next; a loaded gun with a hair trigger.  As I rounded one specific corner, all I had to do was let out one small quiet "ruff".  Barely audible, every time without fail it would set off a chain reaction that would see lights coming on all down the street that sounded like a kennel on bacon day.  I'd giggle uncontrollably the rest of the walk home and sleep peacefully to the sounds of whatever I had in my discman that day (remember those?) - oblivious to the escalating chaos I'd triggered all around me.

Fittingly, anyone who's been to my house in recent years knows that I'm continually reaping the payback I'd earned over those years.  I have the noisiest dogs of them all.

Confessions of Guilt from Dan Graves - Instalment #17

I wanted to be the lead guitarist for New Kids On The Block.  Yeah...I could just stop right there - who needs to elaborate on that anyway?

I do.

Firstly, my whole life I've been a terrible judge of longevity and sustainability.  I thought these guys were going to be around forever....for EVER.  I wasn't a closet NKOTB rocker...I actually listened to some pretty cool music (I don't know anyone else my age who bought Licensed to Ill when it first came out).  However, I did have the tapes and knew them pretty well.  When I started playing, I didn't have much to go on since I was fond of the rapping, so I turned to the only music I had on hand then that had guitars.  After I mastered Angel Eyes by Jeff Healey, I set my sights on what little guitar there was on the New Kids album.  Cover Girl was the big one...had a one fingered solo that I quickly mastered and would play on repeat to really nail it.  I could be that guy I said...I'd figured it out...which one of them plays guitar?  I could totally replace him!

No one did...dreams shattered, heart broken, tape went into storage.  Sadness ensues.

Sad and bored, I started flipping through my guitar magazines and asking around for tapes that were mentioned in the magazines.  My world exploded.  Like a flurry of spandex clad super heroes coming to my rescue, real life spandex clad guitar gods showed me the path to ultimate enlightenment.  Climbing my way through hair spray and leather tassels, I heard what incredible really sounded like.  So thank you New Kids...thank you.

Coincidentally, my high school band, The Boss Hogs, played a rendition of "Hanging Tough" at the school assembly in December of '93 if I'm not mistaken.  For a span of about 15 minutes, we were revered as rock and roll legends.  Ironically enough though, for my brief stint as rock and roll infamy, I was not the lead guitarist...I played bass.

Confessions of Guilt from Dan Graves - Instalment #16

I manscape. Regularly. See, as part of my lineage, I have a hearty dose of Scotland coursing through my veins. As such, I have eyebrows that grow faster than your average grass. Unchecked, I'd look like something out of Dune, but with a uni-brow; and that's not good for anyone. I'm sure eyebrows of such magnitude have a evolutionary advantage of some form or another. It likely involves warding off beautiful women ninja assassins or something; but it's clearly mistaken as I've managed to land myself a beautiful woman and she hasn't made any attempts on my life (that I know of). I'm not a heavy forehead sweater...so that can't be it either. I squint a bit, and rumour has it I look angry whilst doing so - that could have something to do with it....

Yes - that must be it. I'm the exact opposite of Vin Diesel as "Riddick". I naturally possess the ability to operate in environments that are extremely well lit where most normal people would have to shield their eyes with their hands, leaving them relatively defenceless. I on the other hand have natural UV blockers allowing me to keep both hands free to dispatch assailants. Where he has the fancy wrap around goggles to operate in normally lit environments, I could simply have a sporty headband to keep my beasts at bay.

Brilliant - I must begin shopping the rights to the motion picture immediately.

Confessions of Guilt from Dan Graves - Installment #15

I think the creepy-raver-hippie teller at the grocery store is awesome.  Sure, he smells a bit.  And yes, he stares at and flirts with my wife...and every other woman in the store for that manner.  But the guy is happy.  I'm not talking about content, I mean this guy is happy harking back to the original and for some reason long forgotten about meaning of the word "gay".  He's always smiling.  He's always got something nice to say (even if it's mildly inappropriate).  And he makes you feel good about being you.  I walked by him the other day and he looked at me and said "Awesome shirt man" and gave me a hi-five (an appropriate one).  Small gesture, instant impact.  He does what he does, and he's happy doing it.  He is accepting and appreciative of the world presented to him as-is, constantly.

Granted, he is a bit creepy to the ladies; but what if we all, for even one day, looked at and appreciated the world and all those in it with half of the eagerness and optimism this guy does.  I'll start now:

You all look awesome today, and I really liked that thing you did that time - you totally nailed it.

Confessions of Guilt from Dan Graves - Installment #14

I am absolutely terrified of dentists. Which is odd, as I've only ever been to two dentists in my lifetime and they've both been absolute teddy bears. My oldest daughter goes to one now, and she actually counts how many sleeps are left. For me, it's always zero sleeps...if there's a dentist appointment looming I can't sleep, so they can't be counted. My little girl hops up in the chair, puts on the cool kid sunglasses (that's a thing now), and lets the dentist go to town. She's even had to have freezing and a filling due to an ill-timed bicycle maneuver which acquainted her of the less than forgiving properties of asphalt. Doesn't phase her. Now, I keep it all inside because I have to be tough and hold it together for my girls (by the time they read this I'm sure the cat will be out of the bag).

Most recently I ended up doing some light breathing exercises prior to the freezing, and burned a considerable amount of calories staying clenched and taught for the duration of the visit.

I'm sure in a few years, when I have to start having a certain regular yearly procedure done during my physical, the top spot in my most feared medical type personnel may change. For now though, dentists win.

Confessions of Guilt from Dan Graves - Installment #13

I'm incredibly shy...to start. I get out of the gates really slowly, but once I get fired up boy do I get cocky. I used to be afraid to go up to people's houses. I would stand outside my buddy Chad Miller's place for 30 minutes at a time softly yelling "Chad!" hoping someone would hear me. I managed to get over that fear eventually, but still if you put me in a room full of new people, I'm bound to be a bit quiet. I've continuously tried to put myself in situations that push me to my limits in my career to try to get beyond it, and I've gotten really good at faking it; but I'm still ridiculously shy. I should have been an actor I suppose.

Anyway - if you're hanging out and you hear someone softly yelling your name...have a look outside your front door - I could just be out there, quietly trying not to impose.